


The Fire of my Core

by outofordxr



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bulimia, Eating Disorder, F/M, Profanity, Purging, Reader-Insert, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, cas loves reader ig, castiel affections reader, i might continue this, shower scene, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 15:33:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10193093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outofordxr/pseuds/outofordxr
Summary: If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and/or other behavior that cold put you/them at risk, please get help.If you are experiencing a medical emergency, are in danger, or are feeling suicidal, call 911 immediately. Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433. Immediate Medical Assistance: 911. Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863.www.7cups.com for online therapy/a place to vent.





	

Imagine: TFW finding you trying to purge in the motel bathroom.

Awesome. Fucking Dandy. You fat fuck! You’ll just keep ballooning until you burst! You pace in the obsolete, moldy bathroom. Your stomach is gorged and pulsing with pain. You had been sick all day. The boys left you alone for the day, going to the library to research. The urges were just too much. So you ordered a soup and grilled cheese from the diner across the street, a New York Style pizza from the joint down the street, a dozen Long Johns and a small cake from the bakery two blocks over. Luckily, you had also got a gallon of water from the pizza place as you lied, saying it was for a party.  
Everything was dull to you as soon as you finished off the cake, and realized with horror, what you had done. You locked yourself in the salmon tiled confines of the bathroom and mustered up the courage to do what you had to do. Finally, you threw yourself to your knees and stared into the stagnant water of the toilet bull.  
Barf.  
You shove your fingers in your mouth and down your throat, as far as it would go. The reaction was delayed but finally your insides roared up from inside you. You had already flushed three times before you heard pounding on the door.  
“Y/N!!” Dean called. You froze, knowing you were in deep shit now. You attempted calling out.  
“It’s just a stomach bug!” You lied, the handle jiggling as you continued to force the sugar and carbs from your body. It got to the point where you were violently heaving without the help of your fingers. Your cheeks were smeared with acid, spit, and tears as the door finally opened. You paid no mind to the tan fabric pooling on the floor behind him as he kneeled behind you and gathered your hair out of your face. When you finished gagging, you leaned down and laid on the edge of the toilet bowl. You sobbed into the porcelain, body shaking as Castiel rubbed your back. You were exhausted, and you could feel a bloody nose starting in the back of your sinuses.  
“Y/N--” Sam started but you cut him off.  
“I know. I know.” You look up, puffy and red. The boys all seem to sigh, thinking you knew what they were going to say. But when you continued, a horrified look overcame them. “I’m disgusting. It’s disappointing to see that I look the way I do because of this.”  
Dean scoffs and turns away, while Sam gives me a look of concern. Castiel just looks up at them. I finally snap, “What is it, Sam? You trying to work up your lunch, too? Well, I hope I’m grotesque enough!”  
“Y/N, stop.” Cas turns to me, a look of sadness on his face. He looks back at the Winchesters, who--in unison--decided that they had better leave. Dean stomps out, and Sam follows, looking behind himself at me to give me a pained look.  
“What? Aren’t you going to go too?” I look down at the blue and red mess I made of the toilet. Cas simply shakes his head and pulls my shaking frame up. I step away and awkwardly flush the toilet. My hair was slightly matted and flecked with water and spit. My nose had started dripping blood. I smeared it on my arm, trying to wipe it away. Castiel gave me a pitying look, and turned to turn the shower on.  
He started pulling his clothing off, only wearing his undershirt and slacks when I told him to stop. I looked away, blushing furiously, “You don’t have to do that. I can… I mean if you want to, it’s fine.”  
“I want to help you, and I’m…” He sighs in confusion and frustration. “I’m scared that you will continue if I leave.”  
My eyes filled with tears, my chest constricting. I nodded slowly, beginning to undress as well. I stopped in my bra and underwear, feeling vulnerable but knowing that Cas had no concerns regarding sexual advances and intimacy. He only kept staring at my face, and gave me a sheepish smile. When he too was down to his boxers, I slipped into the warm water. I sighed at the water pressure and moved to let the angel in. He just kept staring down at me.  
He finally moves and dampens my hair, taking the complimentary shampoo from the corner of the tub. He lathers the suds into my hair, careful not to get it in my eyes. Next, he washed my face with a cloth and soap. He was tender with it. With me. I shook for a moment before beginning to cry. It started soft and with me trying to hide, but I could tell Cas had noticed because he had stopped what he was doing. The sounds soon increased to a hideous wailing.  
He pulled me close, stroking my drenched hair. I felt revolting and tried to protest, but found myself too weak against the angel. I relaxed and he pulled me down, cradling me to his chest. I was cold and felt broken, and suddenly I felt how miserable I made my body.  
“Healing takes time.” My momma’s voice rang in my head. And that was my second choice of the day. I had played with the idea many times before but was too scared.  
“Cas…” I rasped, grabbing at him. He looked at me, water collecting on my face and pounding down on my back. From this angle, I swear I could see his grace. “I wanna get better.”  
He smiled, nodding and stroking my hair back. He kissed my forehead and a soothing feeling overcame me.

**Author's Note:**

> If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and/or other behavior that cold put you/them at risk, please get help.  
> If you are experiencing a medical emergency, are in danger, or are feeling suicidal, call 911 immediately. Suicide Hotline: 800-784-2433. Immediate Medical Assistance: 911. Crisis Call Center: 800-273-8255 or text ANSWER to 839863.  
> www.7cups.com for online therapy/a place to vent.


End file.
